The head of my department at work is also on the executive team for the company as a whole. Typically that kind of person isn’t the warmest or the fuzziest. But, this guy is honestly a really great guy. There is nothing cold, elitist, or ego-maniacal about him. He is very fair and considerate of individuals and seems to advocate strongly for people that deserve it. There is one small hitch, though: he does this thing where he makes each person on the team present, roughly once every 1 ½ years, for a full hour, on something that is not work-related. Last week it was my turn. Cruel and unusual punishment.
I will sing ridiculous songs on karaoke. I will dance on a bar. I have done acting and other types of performance. I will yell and make a general spectacle of myself in public. I might be a little nervous when I do some of these things, but I don’t embarrass that easily. I am also perfectly fine conducting meetings. But something about presenting just totally throws me into a tailspin. I think that part of it is convincing myself that I could be expert enough on anything to talk authoritatively about it for an hour (ie., confidence). I think that the other, and greater, part of my problem is some kind of post-trauma from grad school.
In order to earn my M.A. in Arts Administration, I had to write a big paper (a literature review – the worst kind of paper! Seriously, how does one come up with a definitive conclusion, based on existing literature, about anything related to the arts?), and then I had to present on it for an hour, and then I had to respond to the questions of an expert panel. I was pretty much a wreck. I worked full-time at a stressful and soul-sucking job while I was earning my masters. I was dealing with multiple familial issues at the time (this was during the height of my brother’s drug problem), planning my wedding, and trying to prepare to move to a new apartment. So, I was pretty much already on my last nerve while I was writing the paper. I was barely sleeping and was suffering from anxiety attacks (something that had never happened before, and hasn’t happened since I graduated). Though I passionately believe in my topic , I can’t say I was super-invested in the paper.
Then, unfortunately for me, one of my examiners was the author of one of my main sources for the paper. I admire his career, but it also mystifies me that he’s been so successful in activities that bring people together, given that on a personal level he’s a hugely pompous asshole (he taught one of my classes as well, so I had a chance to see him in action). After sitting through two days of my classmates’ presentations (that was another unlucky stroke – I was one of the last ones to present), and watching this same guy absolutely skewer at least two of my classmates (I mean, is that really necessary? It’s not like we were in court, or in front of congress. He even attacked one of them for the grammar in their paper. That’s not even a question or part of his role!), I was pretty much petrified. Naturally, as I was giving my presentation, I choked.
It was long, boring, and presented in a halting manner. My throat was dry, my heart was pounding, my vision was swimming, and I couldn’t think at all. I have no idea what I even said. Thank god David, my cousin, and my parents came to see me present. If I didn’t have them there as a visual anchor I may have passed out. When it came time for the questioning, dude attacked me by saying that he didn’t recall writing something that I said he had written. I thought I was going to just fall over until I remembered, miraculously, that I had bothered to write page numbers in my presentation notes. I was able to tell tool-face exactly on which page he had written what I said he had written. At which point he shut his mouth and asked no more questions. Win! But the whole experience of that day scarred me, both on presenting and on my topic. Also: the whole idea of possibly going for my PhD and teaching college went out the window (which is probably fine, since I’m now very happy to not have even MORE student loans to slog through)!
So, when it came to presenting for my department meeting last week, I was stumped. And also very uptight and anxious. The only topic that I could think of that was both appropriate and something I know about was arts organizations. I spent hours and hours preparing and worrying. And it went very, very well. An unexpected upside is that it rekindled my interest in non-profit arts orgs, and I’m thinking of starting to volunteer and get involved again. I don’t think I’m cured of my presentation phobia, but I’m certainly glad that my week of anxiety is in the past!
